Falling for Peter Pan

Falling for Peter Pan

There are plenty of individuals who fall for someone who they thought was different until they get to know them, it’s almost a right of passage in the world of dating but falling for a narcissist can leave you gathering pieces for long after you believe you have them all back in your hands. It’s almost like picking up grains of sand from concrete, it takes a very long time and lots of continuous work.

My story however, starts long before I met the boy who would change my world. Growing up I was very sheltered. I was raised in church, homeschooled, and limited to anything secular. When I finally got the ok to start dating at the age of 18, I simply had no idea what to expect and got taken advantage of (I am grateful that I had two wonderful parents who loved me and wanted to protect me from the all the evil in the world).

 I had just turned 20 when I met my “Knight in shining armor”. He was everything I had dreamed a man should be but as we grew up and discovered a lot of life’s harsh ways together, we grew apart and 8 years later we decided that we were better friends than lovers.

After being in a relationship and “living like a married couple” for so long, let’s just say I rebounded rather hard. At 28 I was behaving like a 22-year-old, going out to clubs and bars 2-3 times a week, meeting all sorts of new people. I was working two jobs, and going to school full-time for a performing arts degree. I was finally experiencing what I thought I was missing all those “taken but alone” years.

I met *Sam after a year of being single, we were both attending a birthday party of someone who I had become close friends with. Sam caught my eye immediately as I was being stared at walking into the club. I quickly noticed he was dancing with another girl so I brushed the attraction off as I began chatting at the bar with my friends when the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” theme song came on (one of the show’s I was allowed to watch growing up) I began singing along to it and had already enjoyed a few drinks to care that my friends were teasing away. Sam came up and joined in on the song right before he disappeared as soon as the song was over leaving quite the impression on me.

It was only a couple of months later when I was at a club with the same friend and ran into Sam who had “just broke up with his girlfriend”. Sam stood near watching with a grin that was inviting a conversation that quickly led to over the top compliments and I was smitten. His charm was intoxicating and for that night he was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on. After leaving the club I invited everyone back over to my place for a few more drinks where the infatuation with this new found charmer continued to grow.

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The following day (after exchanging numbers) he text, he kept texting and calling, he told me on a hourly basis that he “couldn’t believe I was single” that my “ex was an idiot to have let me slip away”. Sam said everything, EVERY girl DREAMS of hearing. He asked me out a week later and I of course didn’t hesitate to say yes.

I remember asking him why he was single and in a joking manner “what he was hiding”. I had felt in ways I forgot I could feel. I felt appreciated, cared for, special, he made me feel like I was one of a kind. He was in construction, a “hard worker” and always talking a about a “promotion that was coming up” he would say things like “but I don’t deserve it”   prompting me to respond with “yes you do, you work so hard” I found myself giving him constant validation without realizing I was being prompted to do so. I thought I had found the perfect guy and felt like the luckiest girl in the world. 

Just a couple of months in (no, I didn’t wait the 90 days) I was ready to take our new relationship to the next level and gave him what I felt was the biggest part of myself. Even during intimate acts, he was saying all the right things that often left me feeling like I was in a romantic movie. I was falling for this man and I didn’t care. I finally had my Romeo and I just knew everything was going to work out in the most perfect of ways.

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Just a week later we were going out to celebrate Halloween, we had the matching costumes and all. That evening he leaned over and whispered the phrase “I love you” he continued to mouth it to me throughout the rest of the evening before finally asking “did you hear me?” I knew I wasn’t ready to say it but said it anyway after admitting I was ignoring him. He laughed it off and told me constantly after “how lucky” he was. About two weeks after that night, it all went down hill. He decided he “didn’t mean it” when he said “I love you”, he was “drunk and regretted saying it” it hurt but I chose to understand. I would bring the topic up from time to time and would get accused of nagging. I decided to say it again one night because let’s face it, if a girl is saying “I love you” for a couple of weeks and then told not to it’s hard! His response was: “Why?”  WHY? really? well, I. Don’t. Know. Things continued to spiral from that point on.

He lost his job and needed a place to stay and being the girl who tries to fix things I jumped to a yes. I thought “this is it, we are actually taking the next step” I couldn’t see then that I was being used. He was flirting with other women, spending hours watching porn and instead of looking for another job played video games hours on end, alone and with his then 4 year-old-son. Games like “Call of Duty” and other violent filled games I felt were inappropriate for a toddler but I was told I was being too strict. I didn’t have kids so I left the parenting to him. I dismissed what I thought was new behavior as depression from losing his job.

Then other truths started beaming through. I learned he was illegally residing in U.S. shortly before I discovered  he was smoking marijuana. He would tell me things like he didn’t need to be in a relationship and that he was losing himself after long speeches of how much I meant to him. At one point he posted on Facebook “I luv my gf” and told me to go look at his page, he then deleted it and said “don’t know why I posted that” I continued on because I wanted so badly to help him out of this hole I believed he fell in, I wanted to be there for him but only ended up pushing him away each time.

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It didn’t take long for the real abuse to start. No he never laid his hands on me but verbally and physiologically the damage was debilitating. One evening a few friends came over for drinks and the conversation about stereo types came up. Sam, being Latino mentioned several stereo types about his race and that of the company who was over, being someone who doesn’t like stereo types I chimed in and gave my opinion; “stereo types are such small fractions of very few individuals truths”. This comment led to an in-depth criticism from Sam about my ex who is African-American, after embarrassing me in front of our guests and making statements that “I didn’t want to be white”  I was later told when we were alone how “disgusting I was” right before he walked out of the apartment to disappear for the rest of the evening. During the argument I continued to  try to explain myself and when I text him to express my hurt about being called disgusting I received a reply pointing out that I had misspelled disgust and then he turned off his phone.

I spent the night in tears, wondering what I had said wrong and questioned if I was in fact the disgusting one for choosing to NOT see color. I felt worthless, alone and shattered. Sam knocked on the door the following morning with apologies and flowers promising to make it right. I had to go to work and agreed we were both wrong.

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It was just a week later I found countless sexual and flirtatious texts and Facebook conversations with other women. I know there are moments when we women tend to read into things but there was no mistaking the messages found not to mention the seemingly endless scrolls of pages in online history of nothing but porn. When I confronted him, he had an excuse for them all and before disappearing into the night yet again, he promised to do better. At this point I no longer trusted him and went as far to create a fake Facebook page to see if he would take the bait and he did but only used that to say any other females flirting with him was me which led to our first break-up. I had finally had enough, I was done.

I was only done for two weeks though because he came begging for another chance, everything but hands and knees, promising change and talking marriage and family. Little did he know and I only suspected that I had already conceived. The following weeks I fell for it all over again and the cycle repeated.

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As my belly grew so did the pain my heart was experiencing. I was told my nose was getting fat, that my thighs were the size of my waist (I have always been self conscious of them and he knew that), that my legs looked like sausages. I was told countless times that I didn’t know how to laugh  and repeatedly got called by the name of his sons mother, the list goes on. I took it, all of it because I believed it! After the last time being called another woman’s name at seven and a half months pregnant I spent the night up crying and praying, I was raised in church and yes, in my time of desperation I hit the ground on my knees. I walked upstairs and began to ask God to make him love me, now I knew better, I KNOW that’s not how it works but I thought maybe just this one time… I made a promise that if GOD worked this out I would honor HIM in this relationship or the next, that I would wait on HIM.

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I had no idea then, that I was praying for what was about to happen. A week later at 9 weeks before my due date I drove to Sam’s place because he was avoiding me like he did so many other times before. We walked outside and while sitting on the ground I was told “I don’t love you enough to make this work” those words still ring through my head today, not because I miss him but because of the cycles he now repeats with our child. After several hours of asking him why and what I did, I realized I wasn’t going to change his mind.

I remember driving the 30 miles back home, barely able to see the road, wondering yet again what in the world I did wrong… I kept expecting a call to make sure I made it home okay, if not for me at least for our daughter, nothing…

With the morning light came some clarity and a day later I called him and left a message wanting to talk about the plans for our child and how we were going to turn this into a friendship for her sake, nothing… a week later I found out through a mutual friend he was back at all the old habits. All the stress of the relationship ending, working three jobs, and wondering what I was going to do sent me into early labor that had to be stopped and they did successfully. I tried to call and tell him what had happened and nothing… At this point I had to end all stress and made the decision to cut off everyone associated with him and promised to let them know when our baby girl arrived. I felt guilty for cutting off those who had not been apart of his decision but for my health and the health of my unborn child, it had to be done. Sam’s sister saw things differently and to sum up the lengthy hurtful message I received my first week home from delivering my daughter, she saw me as “just as bad as he was if not worse…”.

I kept my promise and Sam came to meet his daughter along with his mom and all was well for a while until the narcissistic  phases started once again. After three weeks he began to say things like “you know I’m illegal and I can’t drive” (it never stopped him from jumping behind the wheel before) and “it hurts me I can’t see her by myself”. He started to realize I wasn’t going to fall for his routine again and did what he does best and vanished for awhile.

I finally decided to move back to the city I grew up in around people who could help me get back on my feet and that’s what I did. Sam appeared and disappeared on and off and the cycle continues.

I can’t help but to feel sorry for him at times because he is the one missing out on all the beauty that is my daughter. To live such a way is to not live at all, to have been hurt so badly yourself that you have to hurt everyone who crosses your path is heartbreaking.

I am still healing from the abuse and have not been on a date since my relationship with my daughters father in fear of meeting someone else who is just as toxic but God has given me strength to continue through it all. I can’t imagine life without my little angel. Only God knew just how much of a blessing she is to me and everyone in her life and I hope and pray I can be the Mom she deserves and needs.

I may still have to deal with my narcissist from time to time and I will continue to cross those bridges as I come to them but I shared this to maybe give someone a little hope. The words that someone says to you does NOT define you. You are beautiful/handsome, you are important, you ARE worth so much more than an abuser makes you feel. You are God’s child and if you let HIM, HE will work it out for your good. Hold that gorgeous face high and keep marching on.

*Name changed from actual person.

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Letters to a Ghost

Letters to a Ghost

I use to write letters to my future husband from the time I was a little girl to well in my late twenties when I discovered that those letters were simply wishes of what I wanted a husband to be. Life happened and I had a beautiful daughter that made me realize that what I wanted from a husband has changed and those letters I wrote were to someone who was no more, a ghost.

Dear Husband, I don’t know who you are but I write to you with dreams of the fairytale life. I’ll wear a white dress and you, my shiny armored prince will come and sweep me away to another life.

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Dear Husband, my dream has been taken away, for you I did not wait. You see, I met a boy who said he was you but my heart he did break. He promised the world with a lie that allowed him to steal the gem hat I was saving, the gem that to belonged to you.

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Dear Husband, I think I met you! You are so kind you don’t judge my past and for you my heat beats as I learn to be the woman you want me to be but wait, I no longer know who I am and time and space is now what you want from me.

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Dear Husband, have you abandoned me? Where did you take my heart and my life long dream? I now have a family that will immediately make the two of us three. Will you still love me when we meet?

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Dear Husband, I have found that you are memories of a life I used to dream. I hope you think of me in the life you lead. I hope that you watch out for my daughter and me and pray that I stumble no more over my emotional feet.

Dear Ghostly Husband of mine, I know life happened and meeting was a mountain neither one of us could climb. So I’m writing this letter as a final good-bye.

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Letters to a ghost is something I can no longer write!

It’s Not About Me

It’s Not About Me

A writing challenge poem where each line begins with the first letter of your first name, 20 lines, and it can’t be about you. I did what I could…

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Colors of fall have me thinking creatively

Creativity flows from inspiration hidden candidly

Candid in a way that shares just enough Curiosity

Curious enough to add a little mystery.

Can’t you see the tapestry cooling

Cooling off from the summers heat, fall almost looks as is it’s conspiring

Conspiracy to rest and make plans for the covering

Coverings from the blankets of snow that will warm the colors from the cold

Coldness that is a surfaced blanket above the warmth, what a beauty.

Chilled and then freezing that displays control

Control of the Artist that sets it all into motion like a circling carousel

Circling like a carousel in a gliding motion that almost gives a sense of certainty

Certainly the seasons will come and go but fall, fall is the prettiest of all.

Can you imagine what it would mean if all the beauty of the season ceased?

Ceased to exist and forever forced to live in a heat that was constant

Constantly wanting a different scene constantly longing for a change

Change to take place in an evening  of calling

Calling from season to season begging to be renewed.

Clutching my jacket as I embrace the change of this circle

Circling in motion as I rest for the day falling into sleep as I watch the leaves bed the day.

Fallen Angel

Fallen Angel

There are so many “coming of age” and “heart-break” stories around the world that I am hesitant to tell mine. I am no exception to what cruelty of what the world can bring, even though I use to think I was. Just like most other little girls I dreamed of prince charming and thought I was the “one in a million” that I could have any man I wanted and make him behave exactly the way I wanted him to, man was I wrong!

I was raised very strict, growing up on the church pew, where I was told just that; “you can have any man you want” things like “you are so beautiful, when you find that ‘good man’ he will give you everything you want”. I was grounded in my beliefs and given my core morals that I am thankful for but that tight grip caused me to venture out and try things that I “knew better” than to try, it eventually led to complete heartbreak and revealed things in life that I had only heard and times even warned of. Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret it because I have a gorgeous little angel of my own as a result of one of those heart-breaks but if I could paint a picture of how dark life can get when you stray away from your beliefs, this is it…

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“Fallen Angel”

Fallen angel in the mirror, I see you reaching out but no one’s there.  What were you thinking of, coming down here? What happens when the light disappears? Was it as fun as you once had feared?

I know your smile hides the loneliness that grows but little angel the world is so cold. I know it once looked so warm safely above where curiosity is born.

But little girl dreams grow up and diamonds and rings they don’t mean so much.

Princes turn to knights who fight for your heart only to place a bid on the next prized art.

And blame always chooses sides when you’re searching for what’s wrong and for what’s right, leaving you with stones of what was once your heart, only good enough to lead you back to the start.

Fallen angel in the mirror that little girl has disappeared, should have warned her to be prepared, time’s a thief who doesn’t care.

Your wing is torn but don’t despair falling down can only mean a fallen angel can have a healed wing.

The heart unmasked that gave you life is the compass that can bring back the light.

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I do not own any rights to these photos, pictures are borrowed.

UNIQUE

UNIQUE

When I was younger I would often wonder why certain people stood out and others didn’t. I would wonder if I was going to a person that would be just a “space filler” or someone who would be remembered throughout history.

As I thought about the individuals who made their mark, I began to realize that they are the individuals that took a step outside of the norm, they are the one’s who didn’t care that others ridiculed and doubted them. If they did care they hid it by holding their heads high, swallowing their fear and pressing on until they changed what needed to be changed, said what needed to be said, and lived their lives the way they we’re called to live their lives.

As life went on, I forgot about that inspiration and allowed the fear of criticism and rejection to leave my songs and lyrics hanging out on my bedroom floor when the fear of rejection is nothing compared to some of the fears that our heroes in history faced. No one except those very close to me have ever seen my pages of rhyming words that show a little piece of who I am and how I think. That is until now, I have decided that I want to be a mark in history, I don’t want to be a space filler. The following lyrics are about just that, being unique.

Unique

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Standing in the middle of a worldly crowd, watching desperate people crying out

while picking up the pieces that can’t seem to be found

Where is the leader inside of us bound and when will it find the good to step out?

Forgive me as I start this rioting sound but…

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I dance the beat of a different drum

I sing to the rhythm of my own song

I dream every day of what would become as I wait for the light and a new break of dawn

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What would you do if you could just break out

And let the soul inside of you take its destined route

Would you dance, would you sing, would you leap and shout

What would you do if people didn’t look down?

What would you do if it was only allowed?

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Would you dance to the beat of a different drum

Sing to the rhythm of your own song

Dream every day of what will become

While waiting for the light and a new break of dawn?

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If everyone wondered what could be and no one found their ground to be free

By what light would we see, Just what would history mean?



What If Tonight

What If Tonight

This is a song I wrote in 2011. The idea for the song was about meeting the one you love in an outing. Whether that outing is spicing up your current relationship or meeting an old flame again after years with no communication, only to find that there is a flame still burning that suddenly sparked after what starts out as an innocent dance. I had just ended a relationship of eight years and had a conversation of “hypothetical situations”  that if things came back around and we reconnected… What if…

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I don’t know just what to say so I’ll write it down in a lyrical way.

The feelings in this song have always belonged, lost in the arms of the one holding my heart.

Now that I’m back around it’s bringing me out, while the fire that died is being revived, I slip away into temptations embrace.

What if you were mine and we had more than the dance floor tonight?

What if we didn’t hide behind the moments that could change our lives?

What if we embraced this time and turned it into an endless night?

What if I was yours, what if forever starts tonight?

The good, the bad, still the best I have had.

In the dark of the night, you pull me into you tight as the flashing lights make it easy to hide until your finger tips caress my hips.

Defined by the rise of unexpected surprise, fantasy says I’m yours tonight.. Not just for tonight.

What if you were mine and we had more than the dance floor tonight?

What if we didn’t hide behind the moments that could change our lives?

What if we embraced this time and turned it into an endless night?

I’m being swept away with thoughts of what if forever began tonight?

Dancing with you makes everything right, when your eyes dance into mine.

Reaching my soul with the touch of your lips, a kiss, your kiss.

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Why I Choose “Single”

Why I Choose “Single”

Being single is a choice and doesn’t necessarily mean being alone, at least that’s the case for me.

There are so many people who rush into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship which I am guilty of myself. But as a single Mom entering a new relationship means something a little different now; I have think about what being in a relationship means, without letting my mind go to places that result in utter panic of what could happen to my sweet innocent baby girl, but let’s face it if you are a single mom in the dating world, chances are your mind has gone to those unthinkable dark places as well.

Just a few things that scratch the surface are:

1: Will my daughter adapt to the mate I choose? Will my partner agree with my parenting style? What if everything goes great until one or the other decides it’s just too much to deal with? Then all that time, wasted! I also like the idea of having all of the say about what my daughter learns, who she is around, and how she is disciplined.

2: I like not having to answer to anyone about what I do, where I go, and what I make for dinner. After I work a long day and come home, sometimes I just want mac-n-cheese and my daughter couldn’t be happier with that decision. That’s not to say we don’t have a hot three side meal with dessert but I don’t want to do that every night.

3: My money is my money! That’s right, I do NOT have to share my earnings with anyone. I pay my bills, I buy all the necessities for my baby girl (and then some), then if I decide I want to blow money at the fair or on a pair of ridiculously cute and expensive shoes for myself or my daughter, I can.

That’s not to say I will never date or I don’t want to share my life with someone but in the end I have to weigh out the odds. I have to decide when I am willing to let someone come in and change our little world and right now, change is something I am just not ready for.